Staying in control of your emotions as you divorce or
separate
It is not easy to remain calm when you have to talk to a partner
about divorce or separation. You know each other so well that you have become
expert at reading each other’s body language, tone of voice and even the silences.
Your responses are automatic, instant and predictable. While you are getting
along this is comfortable and reassuring, it mean that you have rapport and a
good understanding of each other.
When you fall out it is these same automatic responses that
are irritating and inflammatory. It is as if your partner knows exactly how to
press your buttons and they seem to choose to do this the minute you begin to
talk to each other. Before you know where you are you have lost your cool and
have started to raise your voice and fallen into a now familiar pattern of
bickering and point scoring which is hurtful to you both and achieves nothing
except to increase the divide between you.
The good news is that you can learn how to avoid this
pattern and keep focused, calm and clear on the issues that you really want to
discuss.
It is useful to use the parent/adult/child model to understand
what is going on when you ‘lose it’ like this. When you are calm, reasonable
and respectful you are allowing the adult in you to be in charge. It is only
when both you and your partner are in this mode that you will feel heard and be
in a position to find a compromise that works for all concerned. When you ‘kick
off’ it is the subconscious unhappy child within you that takes control and
begins to feel and communicate the emotions that you felt when you were little.
Once your partner hears this he or she will automatically go into a condescending
or parent mode with you, a move that serves to increase your frustration.(It
may, of course, be your partner that goes into child and you into parent or you
may both do both at different times).
Once it has been pointed out you can begin to recognise when
you are going into either parent or child. You may even get to recognise the
flash points that make you do it. Unfortunately, this does not make it much
easier to keep control next time it happens. The reason for this is that the
response is subconscious and it happens instantly: Several seconds before the
conscious mind notices and has a choice about whether it takes charge. Imagine
how difficult it is to calm a toddler down once it has launched into a full
blown tantrum: It doesn’t want to listen to reason any more, the only solution
is to carry it off and wait until it calms down.
As with an upset child, the solution is not confrontation
but understanding and communication. The unhappy child within you can be placated
in a very few one-to-one sessions of guided mindfulness. It can be shown that
its behaviour is not needed and that it can relax and trust the adult to remain
in charge. This allows you to stay in adult even in the most challenging of
situations.
Your part in the relationship may be to go into parent mode
and it may be your partner who kicks off into unreasonable tantrums. Some
mindfulness sessions with a coach will allow you to approach interactions with
your partner in a more adult way which will allow them to take responsibility, remain
in control and stay reasonable.
When you can remain consciously in adult you change the dynamic
of your relationship with your partner. They may go into child or parent but you
do not meet them with the predicted response any more, you remain in adult and
you give your partner the opportunity to do the same. In this happy state of
affairs you can begin to work constructively together to take care of your
children and other family members and divide your assets fairly. www.absolute-specialists.co.uk
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